A Modest Proposal to Save Our National Identity (One Forced Apology at a Time)

The Sorry Squad — Canada's New Politeness Enforcement Act 🇨🇦🍁😅

A Modest Proposal to Save Our National Identity (One Forced Apology at a Time)

April 2026

Let me tell you something that keeps me up at night.

I saw someone not say "thank you" to a bus driver last week. The bus driver. The person who safely transported them through traffic, ice, and construction. And they just... walked off. Without a word.

I wanted to say something. I wanted to follow them and explain the social contract. But I'm Canadian, so I just pursed my lips and felt mildly uncomfortable about it for several hours.

This cannot stand.

Canada has a reputation. We're polite. We apologize. We hold doors. We say "sorry" when someone else bumps into us. It's our brand. Our identity. The thing we're known for besides maple syrup and winter.

But lately? The cracks are showing.

Road rage is up. Customer service complaints are rising. Passive-aggressive notes are appearing on apartment bulletin boards. Someone in Toronto didn't hold the elevator last week, and no one apologized.

The horror.

So I'm proposing a solution. It's absurd. It's extreme. It's also... kind of beautiful.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Sorry Squad.

I: THE PROBLEM — We're Becoming... Rude? 😤

The Statistics (Made Up, But You Know They're True):

• 67% of Canadians have witnessed someone failing to hold the elevator. The trauma is real.
• "Sorry" usage has dropped 12% since 2020. Coincidentally, so has our national happiness.
• Road rage incidents are up 400%. People are honking. Honking! In Canada! It's chaos.
• Passive-aggressive notes are now laminated. Laminated! People are investing in office supplies for their resentment.

  The Government's Official Statement (Paraphrased):

  "Canada was built on politeness. Pierre Elliott Trudeau said 'reason over passion.' We've replaced reason with road rage and passion with passive-aggressive Post-its. This ends now."

  We're not actually becoming monsters. We're just... tired. The world is exhausting. The internet has made everyone angry. And sometimes, after a long day, you forget to say "thank you" to the bus driver.

  But that's not an excuse. This is Canada. We have standards.

  ---

II: THE PROPOSAL — Introducing The Sorry Squad 👮‍♂️🍁

Undercover "Politeness Inspectors" will be deployed in high-traffic areas: transit hubs, grocery stores, crosswalks, and Tim Hortons locations (the front lines of Canadian civility).

The Three-Tier Violation System:

The "Sorry" Loophole:

Any offense can be immediately forgiven if the offender issues a genuine, heartfelt apology within 10 seconds. The apology must include the word "sorry" and direct eye contact (or as close as socially comfortable).

Critics call this "the most Canadian rule ever written." Supporters call it "common sense."

The Funding:

A 5% "civility surcharge" on all maple syrup products. The reasoning: maple syrup is liquid gold. It brings us joy. Those who can afford luxury sweeteners can afford to fund the nation's politeness infrastructure.

Quebec refused to participate. The province opted out with a collective shrug and the word "tabarnak." No one knows what this means. The Sorry Squad has decided not to ask.

III: THE HILARIOUS SITUATIONS — Welcome to Politeness Nation 🇨🇦😂

Scenario 1: The Elevator Standoff

An inspector watches as two people approach an elevator. Person A holds the door. Person B enters without making eye contact or saying thank you.

Inspector: "Excuse me. Did you just enter an elevator without acknowledging the person who held the door?"

Person B: "...what?"

Inspector: "That's a Tier 2 violation. You'll need to attend a 4-hour empathy workshop. Also, here's a pamphlet on 'The Importance of Elevator Gratitude.'"

Person B: "Is this a prank?"

Inspector: "I'm sorry you feel that way. But no. Have a nice day."

Scenario 2: The Tim Hortons Line

The line is long. Someone orders a double-double without saying "please."

Inspector: (appearing from behind a pillar) "Ma'am. Did you just order without saying 'please'?"

Customer: "I'm late for work."

Inspector: "Work is important. But so is civility. I'll let you off with a warning. But next time, I expect a 'please' and a 'thank you.' Also, consider a donut. Stress makes us forget our manners."

The customer buys a donut. The inspector smiles. Canada heals.

Scenario 3: The Road Rage Incident

Someone honks. Immediately, a Sorry Squad vehicle pulls up alongside them.

Announcer (via loudspeaker): "Attention, driver of the grey sedan. Honking is a Tier 3 violation. Please pull over."

Driver: "The light turned green three seconds ago!"

Announcer: "In Canada, we communicate our impatience through gentle sighs and pointed looks. Please pull over."

The driver receives an "I Need to Be Nicer" sash. They wear it for a week. They are never seen again.

IV: THE BACKLASH — The Un-Canadians 😤

A group of anti-politeness activists has emerged. They call themselves "The Un-Canadians." Their slogan: "I won't apologize for refusing to apologize."

They intentionally hold doors for people who are too far away, then close them just before arrival. They say "you're welcome" before anyone says "thank you." They stare directly at sunsets without commenting on their beauty.

The government has classified them as a "social nuisance." Their rallies are mostly just awkward silences.

The International Response:

• USA: "Is Canada okay?" (No. We're not. But thanks for asking.)
• UK: "Finally, a nation that understands queuing etiquette." (They've offered to send advisors.)
• France: "This is why we left North America." (Rude. Very rude. Someone give them a citation.)

  ---

V: THE DEFENSE — Why This Is Actually a Good Idea 🛡️

Look, I know the Sorry Squad sounds absurd. But hear me out.

Politeness is infrastructure.

When someone holds the door for you, they're not just being nice. They're maintaining the social fabric. They're saying "I see you. You matter. We're in this together."

Without that, we're just strangers on a bus, staring at our phones, pretending no one else exists.

The world is angry enough.

Wars. Politics. The internet. Everywhere you look, someone is yelling. Canada doesn't need to join that. Canada needs to be the quiet corner where people still say "sorry" when it's not their fault.

We're not becoming fascists. We're becoming friendlier.

The Sorry Squad isn't about punishment. It's about accountability. It's about reminding ourselves that the small things matter. The held door. The thank you. The apology that costs nothing but means everything.

Also, the sashes are hilarious. Admit it.

VI: THE CONCLUSION — Sorry Not Sorry 🍁

Here's the thing about being Canadian.

We're not perfect. We have problems. Real problems. Housing crises. A cost of living that makes young people cry into their overpriced avocado toast.

But we also have something that most countries don't: a shared understanding that politeness isn't weakness. That "sorry" isn't submission. That kindness is a choice we make every day.

The Sorry Squad won't fix everything. It might not fix anything. But it will make us think. About the elevator. About the bus driver. About the small moments where we choose to see each other or look away.

That's not nothing.

So yes, I support mandatory kindness training. I support maple syrup taxes. I support undercover politeness inspectors and "I Need to Be Nicer" sashes.

Not because I think the government should control our behavior. Because I think we've forgotten how to be human. And sometimes, we need a reminder.

A polite one. With a pamphlet. And maybe a donut.

The Final Line:

Canada apologized for the Sorry Squad before it even existed. That's how you know it's working.

🇨🇦🍁😅

Allen

FriedReads.com | Sorry for writing this. Not really.

April 2026