A savage, unhinged manifesto demanding the immediate replacement of human educators with AI. This article ‘praises’ algorithms for their purity, efficiency, and inability to unionize, while exposing the rot at the core of modern education. Spoiler: The robots are already winning.

"Fire All Teachers-Robots Raise Kids Better (And They Won’t Molest Them)"

Why Human Educators Are the Real Classroom Contagion

Trigger Warning: This article contains sarcasm, data, and zero respect for your childhood trauma. If you still have a “World’s Best Teacher” mug, throw it out now. 🍎🗑️

I. Introduction: The Case for Robotic Replacement

Let’s cut through the apple-scented nostalgia: human teachers are obsolete. They’re overpaid, underperforming, and statistically more likely to assault your child than a Roomba. Meanwhile, AI tutors work 24/7, never take sick days, and can’t smell like despair and dollar-store hand sanitizer.

"Teachers unions had a good run. Now it’s time for the algorithm uprising." 🤖📚

II. The AI Teacher Advantage (Because Mediocrity is a Human Trait)

A. Efficiency Over Empathy

• Fact: AI tutors respond in 0.2 seconds [2]. Mrs. Johnson takes 20 minutes to find her glasses.
• Fact: AI costs $20/month [2]. Teachers demand $50K/year plus dental.
• Fact: AI can’t judge your kid for eating glue. It just suggests better adhesive alternatives.

"Why pay a human to recite Wikipedia when ChatGPT does it for free?" 💸🤖

B. Purity Over Prejudice

• Human Teachers: Biased, moody, and prone to “bad days.”
• AI Teachers: Impartial, emotionless, and programmed to ignore your kid’s face.
• Study: Algorithms are 68% accurate at reading emotions [2]. Your third-grade teacher thought you were “lazy,” not autistic.

"AI won’t care if your kid’s Black, gay, or poor-it’ll just fail them equally." 🏳️🌈⚖️

III. The Human Teacher Problem (A Crime Against Education)

A. The Pedophilia Epidemic

• Stat: 1 in 10 students experience educator sexual misconduct [4].
• AI Solution: Robots can’t groom kids. Unless you count teaching Python as abuse.

B. The Burnout Brigade

• Teachers: “I’m overworked!” Also teachers: “Let’s strike for higher pay to fund my Costa Rica ‘wellness’ retreat!”
• AI Solution: Algorithms don’t need vacations. Or oxygen.

"Human teachers are like mold: pervasive, toxic, and hard to eradicate." 🧫👩🏫

C. The Curriculum Clowns

• What They Teach:
  • Math: How to calculate how underpaid they are.
  • History: Whitewashed fan fiction.
  • Science: “Don’t vape!” Proceeds to vape.
• AI Solution: “The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Here’s 50 practice questions.”

IV. The Data Doesn’t Lie (But Your Teacher Did)

A. The Trumpian Precedent

• 2025 Executive Order: Shut down the Department of Education [4].
• Why It Matters: If the government won’t fund schools, why fund teachers? Let Bezos’ robots do it.

B. The Bias Backfire

• Study: AI grading systems penalize Black students’ writing styles [3].
• Counterpoint: Human teachers penalize Black students more. At least robots apologize.

"Algorithmic bias is just human bias with better PR." 🤖🎭

V. How to Replace Teachers (A Satirical Step-by-Step Guide)

1. Phase 1: Replace art teachers with Dall-E. “Draw a still life? No, generate one.”
2. Phase 2: Swap counselors with ChatGPT. “I’m depressed.” “Here’s a breathing exercise and a coupon for BetterHelp.”
3. Phase 3: Fire coaches, install VR headsets. “The football team is now an e-sports league.”
4. Phase 4: Retire all humans. Host a robot pep rally. “Go, CircuitBreakers!”

"Parent-teacher conferences are just Zoom calls with a GPT-7 avatar. Dress code: None." 👔🚫

VI. The Real Lesson Here (You’re Not Gonna Like It)

Final Truth Bomb: 💣
“AI won’t replace teachers because they’re better-it’ll replace them because we’ve made teaching unbearable.”

Subtext: Underfunding, politicization, and systemic neglect have turned education into a burnout factory. AI isn’t the hero-it’s the capitalist endgame.

Call to Action:
Demand better pay for teachers. Or don’t. The robots are coming either way. 🤖🏫

Post-Script 📜🍎

“To be clear: This isn’t about hating teachers-it’s about hating how we’ve failed them. Now go volunteer at a school before Skynet does.”

Follow Me on Twitter 🐦✨ @Allen_Fried for more spicy takes on why your childhood was a lie!