A satirical obituary for the bromance of the century, tracing Trump and Musk’s toxic romance from mutual adoration to mutually assured destruction. Spoiler: The only thing more unstable than their egos is the stock market.

"Trump’s ‘Elon Was Wearing Thin’ Breakup: A Love Story"

From Oval Office Soulmates to Social Media Archenemies

Trigger Warning: This article contains sarcasm, unhinged metaphors, and zero respect for democracy. If you’ve ever shipped #MuskTrump2024, log off and rethink your life. 💔🗳️

It began as all great love stories do: with a tweet. Donald Trump, the orange-tinted titan of tantrums, and Elon Musk, the emerald heir to apartheid mines, locked eyes across the digital divide. Musk called Trump “a damn good president”. Trump called Musk “a very stable genius.” The chemistry was electric—much like a Tesla battery fire.

"Their love language was mutual flattery and federal subsidies." 💸🤝

II. The Honeymoon Phase: Subsidies and Space Force

A. Love Letters via Subsidy

• 2024: Musk pumped $250M into Trump’s campaign.
• 2025: Trump gifted Musk $38B in SpaceX contracts.
• Vows: “I’ll deregulate your rockets; you’ll privatize my legacy.”

B. PDA (Public Displays of Authoritarianism)

• Date Nights: Musk attended White House ceremonies in a DOGE hat, hiding a mysterious black eye.
• Gifts: Trump gutted environmental laws for Tesla. Musk gutted federal agencies for Trump.

"They weren’t just lovers—they were co-dependent oligarchs." 💼🔗

III. The Cracks Begin to Show (Or: When Elon Stopped Laughing at the Jokes)

A. The ‘Big Beautiful Bill’ Betrayal

• Musk: “Your bill is a disgusting abomination!”
• Trump: “You used to laugh at my tariffs!”
• Subtext: Even sociopaths have boundaries.

B. The Epstein Files Ultimatum

• Musk: “You’re in Epstein’s files!”
• Trump: “You’re in the cringe files!”
• Reality: Both were in the “billionaires who vacation with sex criminals” files.

"Nothing kills a romance faster than mutual blackmail." 📂💣

IV. The Breakup: A Social Media Dumpster Fire

A. The Texts

• Trump (Truth Social): “Elon was ‘wearing thin.’ I asked him to leave.”
• Musk (X): “You’d be flipping burgers without me.”
• Translation: “It’s not you, it’s your net worth.”

B. The Petty Phase

• Trump: Threatened to cancel SpaceX contracts.
• Musk: Promised a recession to tank Trump’s polls.
• Bannon: Suggested deporting Musk to Mars.

"The only thing more explosive than their feud is the DOGE budget report." 💥📉

V. The Aftermath: Who Gets Custody of the GOP?

A. The Assets

• Musk keeps: The DOGE hat, 10,000 X bots, and JD Vance’s loyalty.
• Trump keeps: The nuclear codes, 100% of the unhinged base, and Steve Bannon’s burner phones.

B. The Next Chapter

• Musk’s Rebound: A fling with RFK Jr. and a $1 trillion savings hallucination.
• Trump’s Rebound: A 2026 campaign ad where he marries a ChatGPT-generated Melania.

"Love is dead. Long live grift." 💀🎰

VI. Conclusion: A Modern Tragedy

Final Truth Bomb: 💣
“This wasn’t a breakup—it was a hostile takeover. And we’re the bankrupt company.”

Subtext: The Trump-Musk feud isn’t about policy or principles. It’s about two men who confused the presidency with a reality show and the electorate with a captive audience.

Call to Action:
Cancel your X subscription. Burn your MAGA hat. Start a farm. 🚜🔥

Post-Script 📜✨

“To be clear: This isn’t about Trump or Musk—it’s about a system that rewards their toxicity. Now go vote for someone who isn’t a meme.”

Follow Me on Twitter 🐦✨ @Allen_Fried for more spicy takes on why your faves are problematic!