A blistering, truthful manifesto arguing that environmental activism is a pathetic attempt to mask humanity’s cosmic insignificance. This article praises fossil fuels as the last honest industry and dares you to care about a doomed species (you).

"Climate Change is a Distraction-Let the Planet Burn"

Why Saving the Planet is for Losers Who Can’t Handle the Truth

Trigger Warning: This article contains blunt truths, sarcasm, and zero hope. If you’ve ever hugged a tree or recycled, log off and cry into your reusable tote. 🌍💔

I. Introduction: You’re Not Saving the Planet-You’re Avoiding Yourself

Let’s cut the carbon-neutral crap: climate change isn’t the problem-it’s the ultimate distraction. While you’re busy clutching pearls over melting ice caps, you’re ignoring the real crisis: humanity’s desperate need to feel relevant in a universe that forgot us at launch.

"Environmentalists are just medieval flagellants with compost bins-self-flagellation for the guilt of existing." ♻️🗡

II. The Psychology of Distraction: Why You Need Climate Anxiety

A. The Cosmic Truth: We’re All Irrelevant

• Fact: Earth is 4.5 billion years old. You’ve had Spotify for 12.
• Fact: The universe will expand into cold, dark nothingness. Your grandkids will work at Starbucks.
• Conclusion: Climate activism is a bedtime story to avoid existential dread.

"You don’t actually care about polar bears-you care about feeling like a hero in a story that has no heroes." 🐻❄️🦸

B. The Narcissism of ‘Sustainability’

• Recycling: A ritual to pretend your Diet Coke habit isn’t killing dolphins.
• Carbon Offsets: Paying $5 to absolve your New York-to-LA guilt. (Pro tip: Just don’t go.)
• Veganism: Moral grandstanding for people who miss being breastfed.

"Going green is the new ‘thoughts and prayers’-equally useless, but with better merch." 🌱💸

III. Fossil Fuels: The Last Honest Industry

A. Oil Companies Are the Only Ones Not Lying to You

• They say: “We’re killing the planet. Here’s gas.”
• You say: “But my Tesla…!”
• Reality: Your Tesla runs on coal-fired electricity and child labor.

"Fossil fuels are whiskey in a world of kombucha-harsh, honest, and unapologetic." 🥃🔥

B. Green Tech is a Pyramid Scheme

• Solar Panels: Made in factories polluting Chinese rivers.
• Wind Turbines: Killing birds so you can charge your vibrator guilt-free.
• Electric Cars: Mining cobalt with Congolese toddlers. But hey, you’re saving the planet!

"Renewable energy is just fossil fuels with a PR team." 🌞💨

IV. Let It Burn: A Narcissist’s Guide to Climate Apathy

A. Embrace the Arsonist Within

• Fact: Earth survived asteroids. It’ll survive your SUV.
• Fact: Extinction is the universe’s way of saying “Nice try.”
• Action Item: Book a one-way flight to Dubai. Leave the oxygen mask.

"The planet isn’t fragile-it’s a rock. You’re fragile." 🌍💥

B. The Joy of Nihilism

• Scenario 1: Sea levels rise. Beachfront property becomes snorkeling tours.
• Scenario 2: Superstorms hit. Finally, something interesting on TikTok.
• Scenario 3: Human extinction. The raccoons will write better poetry.

"The only thing greener than your energy is the envy of a cockroach watching you panic." 🪳💚

V. How to Embrace the Inferno (A Step-by-Step Guide)

1. Buy a Gas-Guzzler: Tell the dealer it’s “for research.”
2. Host a Bonfire: Burn your reusable straws. Toast marshmallows.
3. Invest in Oil Stocks: Profit while the world crumbles. Classy.
4. Date a Climate Scientist: Break up via sticky note: “It’s not me, it’s the CO2.”
5. Live Fast, Die Hot:

"Legacy is for people who can’t afford to not care. Be rich-or be nothing." 💸🔥

VI. Conclusion: The Earth is Fine. You’re Not.

Final Truth Bomb: 💣
“The planet doesn’t need saving-it needs better tenants. Eviction notice pending.”

Call to Action:
Go book that private jet to Iceland. The Northern Lights look better through smog. ✈️🌌

Post-Script 📜🔥

“If this article triggered you, good. Now go tweet about it-your outrage is adorable.”

Follow Me on Twitter 🐦✨ @Allen_Fried for more hot takes on why you’re the problem!