The Real Lord of the Flies Was Every English Teacher Who Assigned It
It wasn’t the kids on the island who lost their humanity, it was the teachers who decided that making generations of students suffer through this bleak, joyless nightmare was somehow “literary enrichment.” This is the full annihilation of Lord of the Flies: the story, the author, the fandom, and especially the deranged cult of teachers who call this “a masterpiece.”
Lord of the Flies Deserves a Burial at Sea 🏴☠️⚰️🌊
“The only thing this book proves is that William Golding never met an actual child.”
I. The Real Monsters Were in the Staff Room 🏫🪓👹
Let's be crystal clear from the start: the real savages weren't on the island. They were in the teacher's lounge, photocopying symbolism worksheets at 6 AM while muttering "the beast is within us all" like a deranged cult mantra. 🖨️🔮🤪
This book didn't make me understand "human nature"—it made me question the mental stability of every educator who thinks forcing teenagers to read about children murdering each other constitutes "character development."
If there's a real Lord of the Flies, it's not Jack or Ralph—it's Mrs. Henderson assigning a 2,000-word essay on Piggy's glasses while sipping her third coffee and pretending this is enlightenment. ☕📝😈
II. The Plot from Hell: Shipwrecked and So Was My Sanity ⚓🤯🌴
Let's review this "masterpiece" of misery:
The "Plot":
- Private school boys crash on island ✈️➡️🏝️
- Immediately forget sunscreen AND morality ☀️🚫❤️
- Decide to LARP society's collapse 🎭📉
- Become feral murderers before dinner 🍽️➡️🔪
William Golding read The Coral Island (a simple adventure story) and said: "Cute—but what if I inject existential despair and make children into psychopaths?" 📖➡️💉😭
It's literally summer camp rewritten by a man who clearly hated both children and sunlight. 🏕️😠
THE ULTIMATE INSULT TO REALITY:
- ACTUAL SHIPWRECKED TONGAN BOYS: Worked together, built huts, cared for each other, survived peacefully for over a year 🤝🏽❤️
- GOLDING'S BRITISH BOYS: Go feral after missing afternoon tea ☕➡️🔪
When teachers say "it's a realistic portrayal of human nature," what they really mean is "William Golding didn't go outside much, and neither should you." 🚪❌
III. “Themes” Teachers Pretend Are Deep but Are Actually Headaches 🧠💩🎭
"Civilization vs. Savagery" 🏛️🆚🦍
Translation: Unsupervised British kids become cavemen. Real life disagrees, but English teachers love it because it makes grading easier. "Discuss how the conch represents order." It doesn't. It represents fifty pages of sheer boredom. 🐚😴
"Human Nature is Evil" 👥➡️😈
Or maybe Golding just hated children after decades of teaching them. This isn't deep moral commentary—it's one man's extended therapy session disguised as literature. If your takeaway from boarding school is "all humans are monsters," contact a mental health professional, not a publisher. 🏫➡️🛋️
"The Religious Allegory" 🙏➡️🤡
Simon as Christ? PLEASE. Simon is a malnourished hallucination with a tragic expiration date. "The Lord of the Flies" literally means Beelzebub—the god of dung. The real dung is the essay you're forced to write afterward. 💩📝
"Society as a Parable" 🌍➡️📖
Teachers call it "a reflection of humanity." I call it "fan fiction for pessimists." Readers get seasick before the metaphors even start rowing. 🚣♂️🌊🤮
IV. The Characters: Hall of Shame 👬🐷⚰️
| Character | Personality | Fate | Literary Purpose |
|---|---|---|---|
| Ralph 🗣️ | Motivational speaker energy, zero results | Survives but traumatized | To prove leadership is useless |
| Jack 🔪 | Unhinged prep-school tyrant | Becomes murder cult leader | To make choirboys scary |
| Piggy 👓 | The only one using logic | Brutally murdered for it | Because intelligence must be punished |
| Simon 🌿 | "Spiritual purity" incarnate | Murdered by the group | Because hope must die |
Harold Bloom himself called them "ideograms, not characters"—bland compared to Huckleberry Finn or Kim. They're not people; they're walking metaphors with head trauma. 🧍♂️➡️📊
V. The Writing: Pretentious Desert of Misery ✍️😩🏜️
Golding's prose doesn't flow—it drags. Every paragraph feels like being pulled through the sand he won't stop describing. The dialogue is chaotic, the narrative tone is one long tantrum, and the symbolism is force-fed like cafeteria meatloaf. 🍽️🤢
Critic Harold Bloom noted Golding's "proportions do not fit his ostensible structure." Translation: The fable falls apart halfway through and never recovers. 📚➡️💥
If his goal was to portray "universal human evil," mission accomplished—starting with everyone who's ever had to annotate this book. ✍️😠
VI. The Teachers: The Cult Leaders of Pain 👩🏫🩸📚
Every teacher who assigns this calls it "an important glimpse into humanity." Translation: "I enjoy watching teenagers slowly unravel in MLA format." 📝😵💫
They worship this book like it's sacred text—quoting lines about civilization crumbling while they gleefully highlight every dead kid as 'thematic depth.' ☠️✨
Teachers who like this book are deranged. Every discussion turns into "what does the conch represent?" when everyone just wants to scream, "DEPRESSION!" 🗣️😫
If teachers genuinely think this misery parade is educational, they're the real control experiment gone wrong. Civilization hasn't crumbled on the island—it crumbled in the English Department. 🏫⚰️
VII. The Golding Myth: Genius or Pessimist with a Pen? 🪞📉🖊️
Critics claim Golding offered "a profound warning of humanity's evil." But others call it out for being wildly implausible, psychologically hollow, and soaked in colonial undertones. 🇬🇧😒
His boys aren't children—they're puppets in his dark fantasy about postwar despair. Even contemporary reviewers said his allegory "splits at the seams." And oh, does it split. 🪡➡️🔪
This is less philosophy, more Reddit doomer rant in paperback form. 💻➡️📖
You know what literature students never quote? A single line that isn't about sand, blood, or the smell of death. That's not a classic. That's punishment. ⏳🩸💀
VIII. Academia's Addiction: Why They Keep Forcing This Dumpster Fire 🔥🎓🤡
Why This Book Won't Die:
- It's short 📏
- It's dreary ☁️
- It pretends to have meaning 🎭
- It's teacher crack 👩🏫💉
They adore anything that lets them say "the human condition" while watching 30 kids fight for consciousness. If you ever ask an educator why it's "important," they'll pause dramatically, smile, and say, "Because it's timeless."
You know what else is timeless? Misery. And bad teaching choices. ⏳😞
They assign Lord of the Flies like it's moral medicine, but really, it's just ritualized suffering disguised as education. 💊➡️😭
IX. Seventy Years Later, Still Torture 🪰⏳🔨
We're living in 2025. Civilization already collapsed: we have TikTok, AI art, and 24-hour news cycles. No conch shell required. 📱🤖📺
And yet, somehow, this 1950s apocalypse-fantasy still infects school reading lists. Why? Because teachers equate "traumatizing teens" with "building critical thinking." 🧠➡️😵💫
Guess what? You can learn morality from literally anything else—like a YouTube compilation of raccoons sharing food. 🦝🍕❤️
X. Final Flame: The Beast Was the Curriculum 😭🔥📚
Golding blamed "man's darkness." I blame the syllabus. The real Lord of the Flies wears tweed, drinks cold coffee, and still believes a broken conch shell holds the key to enlightenment. 👔☕🗝️
This story didn't reveal human nature—it revealed academic self-importance. It's not a mirror to society; it's a mirror to English teachers assigning misery and calling it art. 🪞🎨
My closing statement:
If civilization collapses, it won't be because little boys lost order.
It'll be because somewhere, a teacher raised a red pen, smiled, and said,
"Chapter quiz tomorrow." ✍️😊📝
🔥 LITERARY SUFFERING INDEX 🔥
TRAUMA LEVEL: ████████████████████████████
EDUCATIONAL VALUE: ▒▒▒▒▒▒
Diagnosis: Academic Malpractice 🩺📚
Ready to join the rebellion against forced-misery literature? ✊🎓 <br> Follow the chaos on Twitter 🐦✨ @Allen_Fried <br> Enlist in the revolution at FriedReads.com ⚔️📚
This is for everyone who'd rather build a shelter with actual shipwrecked kids than analyze the symbolism of a dead pig's head. 🏝️❤️➡️🐗💀
