You all are hypocrites!

Free Speech is Dead for Writers (And We're All Screwed)

A Snarky Rant to Navigating the Hypocrisy Apocalypse

Free speech in 2025 is like a zombie: it's technically still walking around, but it's brain-dead, smells awful, and everyone secretly wishes it would just die already. 🧟‍♂️

Writing in this era feels like trying to juggle chainsaws while riding a unicycle—thrilling, dangerous, and guaranteed to end in bloodshed. Especially if you dare to mention anything remotely controversial. Free speech? It's a myth. The left cancels you; the right bans you; and Ben Shapiro will yell at you for existing.

But here's the kicker: it's not just about politics anymore—it's about writing itself. How do you write freely when both sides of the spectrum are breathing down your neck? Write a gay character? The right bans you. Don't write a gay character? The left cancels you. Write a gay dragon? Both sides call you problematic because dragons don't have sexual orientations.

So today, I will be going on a rant about free speech, everyone's hypocrisy but mine! And why it is all a dumpster fire! 🔥🗑️

WARNING! AGGRESSIVE RANT AHEAD! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!

The Right's Playbook: "Protect the Kids (From Reality)"

Conservatives love free speech… unless it's in a library. Then it's "Burn the woke books! Protect the kids!" Meanwhile, they're totally fine with little Timmy reading about Grendel ripping people limb-from-limb in Beowulf—because that's "classic literature." Violence? Classic! Two dads? DEMONIC!

It's not about protecting kids—it's about controlling narratives. Banning LGBTQ+ stories while celebrating The Odyssey (where Odysseus murders 100+ people) isn't "moral"—it's selective outrage.

Take Everywhere Babies, for example—a book about literal babies that somehow became public enemy number one in Florida (Source). Why? Because it dared to include illustrations of same-sex couples holding babies. Not kissing. Not even holding hands. Just… holding babies. The horror!

"The right bans books like they're playing Hunger Games—except the only survivor is the Bible, and even that's got genocide, incest, and a talking donkey." 📖🔥

But let's be honest: this isn't about "protecting" children from inappropriate content—it's about shielding them from ideas that challenge a specific worldview. You think banning Everywhere Babies is going to stop kids from learning about same-sex couples? Newsflash: they have the internet. And guess what? Google doesn't have a "conservative filter."

The Left's Playbook: "Representation or ELSE"

Meanwhile, the left is over here screaming "WHERE'S THE GAY CHARACTER? WHY ISN'T THIS DRAGON NON-BINARY?" Bro, it's a dragon. It breathes fire and eats knights. Its pronouns are 'lmao/rofl.'

The Hypocrisy

Forced representation can be just as stifling as censorship. Writers get pressured to tick diversity boxes even when it derails their storylines. Imagine writing a medieval fantasy and getting canceled because your goblin army isn't "ethnically diverse enough." "Sorry, Karen—goblins are green. They don't have race. They have loot."

And don't even think about writing outside your own identity! If you're a straight author who writes a gay character, you're accused of "appropriation." But if you don't include a gay character, you're labeled "problematic." HOW DO YOU WIN?!

"The left treats diversity like a math equation: if your story doesn't have √-1 LGBTQ+ characters, you're problematic." 🧮🌈

Writers in the Crossfire: A Lose-Lose Circus

Writing today feels like playing Jenga with grenades—one wrong move and your career explodes 💣.

Rant Time

Write a gay character? Banned by the right. Don't write one? Canceled by the left. Write a gay dragon? The right calls it "grooming," the left calls it "queer erasure" because dragons aren't real. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

And let's not forget publishers—they're so terrified of backlash that they've turned into literary Switzerland: neutral, boring, and completely irrelevant.

Absurd Analogy: Writing in 2025 feels like baking a cake while being attacked by seagulls—no matter what you do, someone's gonna poop on it 🦅💩.

The Absurdity of It All

Let's not pretend either side has the moral high ground here. Both are guilty of turning libraries into battlegrounds where bookshelves are landmines and every title is scrutinized for ideological purity.

Absurd Analogy: "Book bans are like putting a 'Do Not Enter' sign on a library. Sorry, kids—knowledge is dangerous! Here's an abstinence pamphlet instead."

And let's not forget the irony: banning books only makes them more popular! When Florida banned Gender Queer, sales skyrocketed (Source). So congratulations, book banners—you've turned librarians into black-market dealers for edgy literature.

How Do You Please Everyone? (Spoiler: You Don't)

Here's the truth: you can't win as a writer in 2025. The right wants to ban your work for being too progressive; the left wants to cancel you for not being progressive enough. Meanwhile, publishers are too scared to back anything remotely controversial because Twitter mobs don't buy books—they just destroy careers.

So what's the solution? There isn't one. Write anyway. Write your gay dragons and ethnically diverse goblins and let both sides implode trying to figure out how to cancel you.

"Free speech isn't dead—it's just hiding under a pile of banned books and canceled authors." 📚💀

Peace out! ✌️

Mic Drop 🖐️🎤