A FriedReads Satirical Conversion Story About Choosing the Bear Over the Buffoon

I'm Becoming Chinese (And You Should Too) 🇨🇳🔄

A FriedReads Satirical Conversion Story About Choosing the Bear Over the Buffoon

September 2026

I've made a decision.

I'm becoming Chinese.

Not moving to China. Not visiting China. Not "learning about Chinese culture." I'm becoming Chinese. Genetically. Spiritually. Emotionally. I'm changing my ethnicity.

I know what you're thinking. "Allen, you can't just become Chinese."

Watch me.

I've already started. I'm wearing house slippers as I write this. I'm drinking hot water instead of cold. I'm eating congee for breakfast. I'm doing qigong stretches in my living room. I'm even learning Mandarin. I know three words. Two of them are "ni hao." The third is "duibuqi," which means "I'm sorry," and I'm using it a lot.

This isn't cultural appropriation. This is cultural appreciation. I'm appreciating the hell out of it.

Why This Is Happening

Let me explain.

Once again, I was sitting on my couch. Normal day. Scrolling through the news. The usual stuff. War in Iran. Economy in shambles. Tariffs. Sanctions. Another mass shooting. ICE killing protestors. All the things that make you want to just... go back to bed.

And then I saw it.

Google Maps officially changed Lake Ontario to Lake America.

For everyone in America.

I stared at the screen. There's no way!, I thought.

I didn't laugh this time. I didn't get angry. I just felt... something else. Something I can't quite name.

A man in Washington renamed a lake that's been called Ontario for over 400 years. A lake that belongs to Canada. A lake that predates his country. And he just... did it. And now it's on Google Maps.

Canada said no. New York said no. The Wendat Nation said no. The whole world said no. But it happened anyway.

Because he said so.

And that's when I realized something. I'm on the wrong team.

The West Is Embarrassing Itself

I'm not saying China is perfect. I'm not naive. China has problems. Real problems. The kind of problems that make you think twice about celebrating anything.

But Trump is renaming lakes.

Trump is renaming lakes.

I need you to hear that. The man who says he wants to make America great again is renaming a lake. A lake that doesn't belong to him. A lake that no one else wants to rename. A lake that, if he actually went to visit it, he probably couldn't even find on a map.

And he signed an executive order. Like that's how reality works. Like he's renaming a file on his computer.

The war in Iran? Still going. No end in sight. Trump expected it to last "four to five weeks." Six months later, no end in sight. Oil prices are high. The economy is in shambles. The world is watching, and they're not impressed.

ICE is running around killing protestors. The surveillance state is expanding. The tariffs are hurting allies. The relationship with Canada is in tatters. America is losing global favor.

And Trump is renaming lakes.

A LAKE!

China Is Actually Doing Better

I looked at the numbers. I looked at the trends. I looked at the global perception.

China is growing. The economy is expanding. The military is modernizing. The infrastructure is world-class. The global influence is rising. Countries are turning toward China because America is turning away from them.

China is building trains. America is renaming lakes.

China is making deals. America is imposing tariffs.

China is winning friends. America is making enemies.

I'm not saying China is the good guy. I'm saying they're not the one embarrassing themselves on the world stage.

The "Becoming Chinese" Trend

And apparently, I'm not the only one thinking this.

There's a whole thing online. It's called "Becoming Chinese." It's a trend. People are "adopting" Chinese lifestyle habits. Drinking hot water. Wearing house slippers. Eating congee. Taking wellness seriously. It's on TikTok. It's on YouTube. It's everywhere.

Some people think it's cultural appreciation. Some people think it's fetishization. Some people think it's just a joke.

I think it's a reaction. A response. A way of saying: "The West is a mess. Maybe the East has something going on."

I don't know if that's true. But I'm going to find out.

My New Chinese Life

I've started the transformation. It's going well. Kind of.

Step 1: The Slippers

I bought house slippers. The kind you wear inside. The kind you don't take outside. The kind that tell everyone you've made a choice.

I wear them all the time. Even when I'm not at home. It's fine. The neighbors are getting used to it.

Step 2: The Hot Water

I've stopped drinking cold water. It's hot water now. Hot water with everything. Hot water with breakfast. Hot water with lunch. Hot water with dinner.

I feel... fine? I'm not sure if it's working. But I'm committed. The commitment is the important part.

Step 3: The Congee

I've started eating congee for breakfast. It's rice porridge. It's warm. It's comforting. It's not eggs and toast. I miss eggs and toast. But I'm Chinese now. I don't eat eggs and toast.

I eat congee. And I'm happy. Or at least I'm pretending to be happy. That's the same thing, right?

Step 4: The Phone

I bought a Xiaomi phone. I don't know what it does. But it feels Chinese. It has apps I don't understand. It has a camera that takes pictures I'm scared to look at. It has a battery that lasts forever. That's nice.

Step 5: The Language

I'm learning Mandarin. I know three words. Two of them are "ni hao." The third is "duibuqi," which means "I'm sorry." I'm using it a lot. Mostly to apologize for not knowing more Mandarin.

The "Chinese People's Code"

Apparently, there's a whole rulebook. A "Chinese People's Code." A list of habits that make you properly Chinese.

Drink hot water. Wear house slippers. Eat congee. No iced drinks. Boil apples for tea. Take wellness seriously.

I'm following it religiously. I'm checking off every box. I'm becoming the most Chinese person who isn't actually Chinese. I'm Chinese-adjacent. Chinese-core. Chinese-ish.

But China Isn't Perfect Either

Let me be clear about something.

I'm not saying China is innocent. I'm not saying China is the good guy. I'm not saying I want to live under the Chinese government.

China has problems. Real problems. The kind of problems that make you think twice. Human rights issues. Political repression. Surveillance. Control. All the things that make authoritarian regimes scary.

But Trump is renaming lakes.

I'm not saying China is perfect. I'm saying America is making itself look so bad that China is starting to look good by comparison. That's not a victory for China. That's a self-own for America.

And I'm just... I'm tired of being on the losing team.

The Satirical Punchline

Here's the thing about the "Becoming Chinese" trend.

It's not really about China. It's about the West. It's about the West failing so hard that people are looking elsewhere.

People aren't actually moving to China. They're not actually becoming Chinese. They're just... looking for an alternative. Looking for something different. Looking for something that works.

Because what we have right now? It's not working.

The West had a chance. They blew it. Trump is renaming lakes. The war in Iran is still going. The economy is in shambles. ICE is killing protestors. The surveillance state is expanding. The relationship with Canada is in tatters.

And people are looking at China and thinking: "Maybe it's not perfect. But at least they're not renaming lakes."

That's the real joke. The joke is us.

Welcome to My New Life

I'm Chinese now. Deal with it.

My name is Allen Li. I accept your congratulations. I also accept your questions. I also accept your skepticism. I accept everything, because I'm Chinese now, and accepting things is what we do.

I'm still Canadian. Technically. But I'm Chinese in my heart. In my soul. In my hot water consumption.

I'm not joking. I'm also joking. I'm both. That's the point.

The Final Line

The West had a chance. They blew it.

I'm taking my talents to the East. Not physically. Spiritually. Emotionally. In my choice of breakfast foods.

Trump renamed a lake. I'm renaming myself.

I'm Chinese now. And I'm not looking back.

🇨🇳🔄

Allen Li Formerly Allen Fried. Still drinking hot water. Still wearing slippers. September 2026