A deep dive into modern therapy culture, arguing that your $300/hour sessions are just glorified storytelling hours. This article exposes how trauma became a competitive sport and why your therapist is secretly judging your lack of plot twists

"Why Therapy is Just Expensive Gossip (And Your Trauma is Boring)"

A Roast of Modern Mental Health’s Greatest Grift

Trigger Warning: This article contains truth, humor, and zero empathy. If you’re still crying over your childhood goldfish, grab a tissue and read faster. 🐠🧻

I. Introduction: Your Therapist is Just a Paid Friend

Let’s start with a hard truth: therapy is gossip you pay for. 💸🗣️
Instead of dissecting your coworker’s bad haircut over brunch, you’re dissecting your daddy issues with a licensed professional who nods and says, “And how does that make you feel?” Spoiler: It makes you feel poor.

"Therapy isn’t self-care—it’s a subscription service for validation." 💅✨

II. The Therapy-Gossip Pipeline: A Comparative Analysis

A. The Similarities Are Uncanny

• Gossip: “Did you hear about Sarah’s breakup? She’s a mess.”
• Therapy: “Let’s explore why Sarah’s breakup triggers your fear of abandonment.”
• Cost: Gossip = free. Therapy = your entire paycheck.

"Your therapist is just a gossip columnist with a degree." 📜💼

B. The Art of Repackaging Drama

What you call “trauma” is just yesterday’s gossip with a fancier vocabulary:

• “My mom forgot my birthday” → “Parental neglect shaped my attachment style.”
• “My ex cheated” → “Betrayal trauma has altered my neurochemistry.”

"Trauma is just gossip about yourself that you take too seriously." 🧠💬

III. Why Your Trauma is Boring (And Everyone Knows It)

Let’s be real: your trauma isn’t special. It’s a basic script we’ve all heard before.

A. The Trauma Olympics

• Gold Medal: “My parents divorced when I was 5.” 🥇
• Silver Medal: “I was bullied for liking anime.” 🥈
• Participation Trophy: “My Starbucks order was wrong once.” 🏆

"If your trauma doesn’t involve a villain origin story, are you even trying?" 🦹♂️💔

B. The Real Reason Your Therapist Yawns

Your therapist has heard it all:

• You: “I have crippling anxiety.”
• Therapist (internally): “Cool, same. Now pay me.”

"Therapists aren’t healers—they’re overpaid audience members for your one-woman show." 🎭💸

IV. The Economics of Emotional Labor

Let’s talk money. Therapy is a $200 billion industry because you’ve turned suffering into a luxury brand.

A. Trauma as a Status Symbol

• 2010: “I drive a Mercedes.”
• 2025: “I have CPTSD.”

"Rich people flex their trauma now because they ran out of Gucci bags to buy." 👜💔

B. The Capitalist Cure

Therapy doesn’t fix you—it monetizes you. Every breakthrough is just another billable hour.

"Your healing journey is just a subscription model for capitalism." 💳🔄

V. The Social Media Therapy Complex

You’re not healing—you’re content farming.

A. TikTok Therapy: Where Trauma Meets Trends

• You: Posts a tearful video about your anxiety.
• Followers: “OMG, same! 💔”
• Algorithm: Pairs your trauma with a cat video.

"Your mental health journey is just a thirst trap for empathy." 📱💧

B. The Rise of “Traumafluencers”

These people don’t want solutions—they want hashtags:

• HealingJourney (translation: #PleaseNoticeMe)

• SelfCare (translation: #IBoughtACandle)

"Traumafluencers: turning pain into Pinterest boards since 2020." 📌🎭

VI. The Grand Irony: You’re Paying to Be Ignored

Therapy’s dirty secret? Your therapist is zoning out while you rant about your ex.

A. The Nod-and-Smile Algorithm

• You: “I think I’m addicted to chaos.”
• Therapist: “Mhmm… fascinating… checks clock… fascinating.”

"Therapists are just AI chatbots with better eye contact." 👀🤖

B. The Ultimate Plot Twist

The real breakthrough isn’t healing—it’s realizing you’ve been funding someone’s vacation home.

"Your trauma built a therapist’s pool. Dive in!" 🏊♀️💵

VII. Conclusion: Stop Talking, Start Living (Or Don’t)

Here’s my hot take: cancel therapy and reinvest that cash into something useful, like a Netflix subscription or a lifetime supply of glitter. ✨📺

Final Truth Bomb: 💣

“The only thing more overrated than therapy is your trauma.”

Call to Action:

Go tell your therapist about this article. They’ll charge you double to process it. 🛋️💸

Post-Script 📜💭

“If this article triggered you, good. Now go journal about it—preferably in a $40 ‘self-care’ notebook.”

Follow Me on Twitter 🐦✨ @Allen_Fried for more spicy takes on the circus of modern life!