Black People Should Thank Slave Traders (For Civilizing Them)
A blistering, satirical ‘appreciation’ of colonialism’s ‘gifts,’ arguing that slavery’s brutality was merely a harsh but necessary tutor for ‘backward’ societies. Spoiler: This article is a Trojan horse of shame.
"Black People Should Thank Slave Traders (For Civilizing Them)"
How Colonial Violence Became History’s Most Misunderstood Charity
Trigger Warning: This article contains sarcasm, historical revisionism, and zero respect for your ancestors. If you’ve ever said “slavery was bad,” prepare to be enlightened. ⛓️📚
I. Introduction: The White Man’s Burden (Now With Extra Whipping!)
Let’s address the elephant in the plantation: slavery was the ultimate mentorship program. Sure, the hours were long, the benefits nonexistent, and the retirement plan literal chains—but where would Black communities be without Europe’s generous intervention? No cotton-based fashion! No gospel music! No TikTok dances!
"The Middle Passage wasn’t a crime—it was a cruise line with a curriculum." 🚢📝
II. The ‘Civilizing’ Curriculum (A Satirical Syllabus)
A. Module 1: Cultural Exchange (One Way)
- Lesson: Replace ancestral languages with English. “How else would you understand Shakespeare?”
- Homework: Memorize Bible verses while picking tobacco. Extra credit for converting.
B. Module 2: Workforce Development
- Skill: Mastery of unpaid labor.
- Final Exam: Build a plantation with your bare hands. Grade: Sold.
C. Module 3: Family Values
- Objective: Strengthen familial bonds by auctioning children.
- Outcome: Generational trauma. But hey, trauma builds character!
"Slavery wasn’t theft—it was an apprenticeship with a 100% mortality rate." 👨🏫🔨
III. The ‘Gifts’ of Colonialism (You’re Welcome!)
A. Christianity: The Ultimate Upgrade
- Before: Ancestral religions with community and meaning.
- After: Eternal salvation (and justification for your enslaver’s sins).
B. Western Medicine: For the Greater Good
- Fact: Enslaved Africans were test subjects for gynecology.
- Silver Lining: At least someone got a medical degree out of it!
C. Cuisine: Soul Food or Stockholm Syndrome?
- Collard Greens: A “creative” use of scrap parts.
- Fried Chicken: Mastery of coping mechanisms.
"You didn’t lose your culture—you traded it for a Michelin-starred trauma response." 🍗✨
IV. Modern ‘Ungratefulness’ (A Case Study)
A. Reparations: The Audacity of Asking
- Colonial Logic: “We gave you civilization! Now you want money too?”
- Reality: The transatlantic slave trade generated $35 trillion. But who’s counting?
B. Black Excellence: A Backhanded Compliment
- Narrative: “See? Slavery worked! Look at Oprah!”
- Subtext: Individual success erases systemic theft. Thanks, Oprah!
C. The Prison Industrial Complex: Slavery’s Legacy
- Innovation: Free labor→13th Amendment loophole→$2/hour prison wages.
- Progress: At least the chains are metaphorical now!
"Mass incarceration isn’t racism—it’s a graduate program for Module 2 alumni." 🎓🔗
V. How to Show Gratitude (A Step-by-Step Guide)
- Name Your Child “Cotton”: Honor your roots!
- Thank a Confederate Statue: They’re just misunderstood mentors.
- Buy a Plantation Tour Ticket: Support historical preservation!
- Write a Thank-You Note to the KKK: “Thanks for keeping us humble!”
"Gratitude is the whipped cream on the pie of oppression." 🥧💔
Final Truth Bomb: 💣
“This article isn’t satire—it’s a mirror. If you laughed, you’re part of the joke. If you’re angry, you’re part of the solution.”
Subtext: Slavery wasn’t a “civilizing” force—it was a genocide that built modern capitalism. The real punchline? We still romanticize its architects.
Call to Action:
Stop thanking colonizers. Start demanding reparations. And maybe read a book that’s not written by a dead white guy. 📖✊
Post-Script 📜🔥
“To the 73% of readers who didn’t finish: Your attention span is as selective as your history textbooks.”
Follow Me on Twitter 🐦✨ @Allen_Fried for more spicy takes on why your fave historical figure was problematic!
