If being born is grounds for a lawsuit, my day in court is long overdue.

Should You Be Able to Sue Your Parents for Your Personality? 🔪👶🤦‍♂️

“Your Honor, exhibit A: my 7th-grade haircut, my paralyzing fear of public speaking, and the overwhelming urge to make every group project into The Me Show™.
Case closed, Your Honor. — Plaintiff #AccidentBaby1995

🚨 Breaking News From The Year 2019 (aka: When We All Should’ve Been Stopped at Birth) 😏

Let’s jump in the time machine and rewind to 2019—the year we were all publicly humiliated by our own Facebook “10-Year Challenge” posts and somehow thought oat milk was a revolution. 🌾🥛

There I was, wasting another afternoon watching Philip DeFranco—because honestly, Phil is the unofficial therapist/older brother/news anchor hybrid for kids who got bullied so hard in middle school they developed a permanent “friendly but anxious” personality. (Yes, hi, I’m talking about myself. 👋😬)

And then Phil casually drops what I am willing to call the single greatest courtroom premise of all time. Move over “Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard.” Step aside “People vs. O.J.” The headline was so chaotic it made my soul levitate:

An Indian guy named Raphael Samuel…
tried to sue his parents…
FOR. GIVING. BIRTH. TO. HIM. 🤯

🎤 Mic drop. World stopped spinning. Cold pizza choking hazard initiated. 🍕😂

This man really woke up one day, looked at existence itself, and said: “No thanks. Return to sender. Receipt, please?”

I swear, I nearly died laughing. Not just “haha that’s funny” laughing—it was the “spit-laugh, wheeze-cough, roll off the bed while a half-chewed crust falls onto your chest” kind of feral laughter. Why? Because deep in my broken boomer soul, I wanted him to win so badly.

Can you imagine the legal precedent???

• 💼 Emotional damages every time a childhood photo resurfaces on Facebook.
• ⚖️ Therapy bills magically reimbursed like frequent flyer miles.
• 💔 Every breakup traced back to “my dad never let me buy Yu-Gi-Oh! cards” — BOOM, lawsuit.

Chef’s kiss. 👨‍🍳💋 Justice finally served, reheated leftovers style.

🧠 The Philosophy Behind “Mom, You Owe Me Rent For Existence”

Turns out, this wasn’t just a troll. Samuel wasn’t pranking. He was straight-up promoting something called antinatalism — which is basically the belief that:
✨ Being born is the ultimate scam. ✨

The logic goes:

• You can’t consent to birth.
• Life = suffering (thanks, capitalism + climate change + your cousin Dave’s SoundCloud rap career).
• Therefore, popping out humans is morally sketchy.

And the kicker? 🥊 His parents are lawyers.
Bro wasn’t just suing them — he was prepping to legally body-slam Mom and Dad in their own weight class. Imagine Christmas after that: 🎄

• “Pass the mashed potatoes.”
• “Objection, relevance to suffering.”
• “…Raphael, we are literally trying to eat.”

🌍 So yeah, 2019 gave us:

• TikTok going mainstream,
• The rise of VSCO girls,
• And one dude who was ready to slap his parents with the most savage “I didn’t ask to be born” lawsuit in human history.

Honestly? Peak humanity. 🏆

📢 Direct Quote From Our Lord & Unwilling Savior, Raphael Samuel 🧑‍⚖️👶

“There’s no point to humanity. So many people are suffering. If humanity is extinct, Earth and animals would be happier. Also no human will then suffer. Human existence is totally pointless.”
— Actual Raphael Samuel, casually dropping an existential mic bomb on the BBC

👀 Like… bro woke up, ate his cereal, looked life in the eyes, and went:
“Yeah this whole species thing? Mid. Don’t @ me.”

🌱 Samuel’s Side Hustle: Nihilanand™ (The Brand Nobody Asked For)

And because one spicy BBC quote wasn’t enough, he started a whole freaking page called Nihilanand to spread the anti-birth gospel.
Yes. A Facebook page. To tell people they shouldn’t even exist to read it.

Absolute 300 IQ paradox.
It’s like inventing a megaphone just to yell:

“Everyone please shut up forever.” 📢🤐

💌 Imagine Being His Parents

Meanwhile, Raphael’s parents are lawyers just sipping chai, opening their emails like:

• Inbox: [1 New Message]
• Subject line: “YOU STOLE MY CONSENT TO EXIST – SEE YOU IN COURT 💀”

MOM. DAD. CHECK YOUR INBOX.
THE SUBPOENA IS COMING. 🪃⚖️

If I Could Sue My Parents for Their Greatest Crime (Me), What Would I Even Say? 🤡⚖️

Alright, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to formally present The People vs. Mom & Dad, 199X–Present.
Spoiler: I am the evidence. 🥲

📜 My Legal Complaint Dossier:

1. Failure to Provide Cool Genes 😤

I was robbed, Your Honor. ROBBED.
Out here built like a mid-tier NPC while hot cousins walk around with sharp jawlines and symmetrical noses like they’re auditioning for a Netflix teen drama.

• Justice demands cheekbones. ✨
• Refund requested: my knees, which currently sound like a microwave reheating pizza rolls at 3 a.m. every time I stand up. 🍕📡

2. Unhelpful Parenting Hacks 🚽

Dad’s Go-To Advice for Every Problem: “Drink more water.”

Cool, thanks. Didn’t know H2O was supposed to cure:

• Social anxiety
• Student loan debt
• Soul-crushing existential dread

Turns out all it cured was my ability to sit through a movie without peeing four times.
Therapy bill currently tab: $800 + emotional interest. 💸🛑

3. Weird Personality Traits I Never Consented To 🧬

I didn’t earn these quirks. I was infected with them like a free trial of anxiety.

• Chronic over-apologizer in grocery store aisles. ("Oh, sorry! No you go first! Oh wait, you already did go first.")
• Inner-monologue BBC narrator. (“And here, we witness the boomer in its natural habitat, buying iced coffee it cannot afford.”)
• Lifetime supply of awkward hand gestures. Honestly who even taught me the “double finger guns” as coping mechanism??? 🔫🔫

4. Dreams of Stardom = Stolen 💀

I could have been famous, Mom. TikTok star. Vine legend. Twitch goblin.
Instead? You made me play rec soccer. 🥅⚽️

Now, at age thirty-something, my biggest creative achievement is posting sarcastic rants on the internet for free.
IS THIS… WINNING?!
No. This is emotional malpractice. Lawsuit-worthy disappointment.

📌 Exhibit Summary:

• Ugly genes ✅
• Broken knees ✅
• Weird quirks I never signed up for ✅
• Robbed of my main character era ✅

Your honor… throw the book at them. 📖🔨

How The Raphael Samuel Case (Almost) Worked ⚖️🤯

OK, here’s the tea on what actually went down:

• Raphael wanted to sue his parents for not getting his consent before they decided to birth him into this chaos.
• Both his parents are lawyers, which adds a delicious layer of salt to his existential wound. Imagine trying to sue expert legal ninjas... inside their own courtroom. 📚🥷
• He openly admits his life is “good, but I’d rather not be here.” Basically, he’s saying: "My room is nice, but I’m not checking in."
• His mom fired back with the ultimate mic drop:

  “If Raphael could come up with a rational explanation as to how we could have sought his consent to be born, I will accept my fault.” 👩‍⚖️🤷‍♀️

• The result? No actual lawsuit was ever filed. Instead, it sparked:
  • Tons of memes
  • Heated online debates
  • An unconfirmed surge in worried calls from Indian parents asking, “Did Johnny also consent to existing?”

Try to name another case that’s this hilariously deep and pointlessly profound. Spoiler: you won’t find one.

This saga wasn’t about a courtroom victory—it was the world’s most dramatic family roast. 🔥

Why Stopping Birth Won't Fix Your Anxiety, But Suing Might 😤💥

Let’s get real for a sec:
The reason half of us Zoomers, Millennials, and Boomers are walking around like glitchy Sims with personality bugs? It’s a perfect storm of:
bad parenting + weird genetics + watching Philip DeFranco instead of, you know, going outside. 🧬📺🌳

No court in the world can magically erase:

• That humiliating first haircut that looked like a lawn mower attack 💇‍♂️✂️
• Years of destroyed self-esteem stacked up like unread emails 📉💌
• Forced clarinet lessons (seriously, who needs three keys anyway?) 🎶🤡
• The heartbreaking realization that crying in the shower isn’t just sad, it’s a whole family tradition. 🚿😢

Suing your parents might not wipe the slate clean, but hey, maybe it gets you that long-overdue apology text... or at least some emotional restitution. Win? 🏆

If Sibling Rivalry Was a Court Case ⚖️👶🆚👦

Me: “Your Honor, as the oldest, I was the guinea pig. I demand damages for all my trauma!”
Little Bro: “Objection! He definitely got better snacks.” 🍪🍫

Family law? Nah, just a savage snack war with better theatrics.

How Would the World Look if This Lawsuit Actually Worked? 🌎💥

• Therapists would finally hit billionaire status 💸💼
  Contingency fees for every single birth-related lawsuit. Forget crypto—therapy is the new gold rush.
• Parents would have to start handing out birth disclaimers:

  “Warning: This child may contain depression, anxiety, or an unhealthy obsession with pumpkin spice lattes.” 🎃☕️

• Generational trauma shows up as line items on your Amazon receipts:
  • Therapy sessions for fear of commitment 💔
  • Refunds for those endless years spent doomscrolling Facebook 📱
• Society evolves to:

  “Congrats, it’s a boy! Also, please sign this liability waiver before we take him home.” 🖋️⚠️

“I didn’t ask to be born, but you will pay for it!!”
— The presidential campaign slogan millennials never knew they needed 🇺🇸🔥

The Defense: Parents Strike Back 🛡️👊

• “Yeah, sorry for passing down the ADHD and the weird toe shape, but hey—at least you got opposable thumbs! Handy for texting those angry tweets.” 👍🐾
• “If you didn’t want anxiety, maybe don’t binge-listen to 20 hours of NPR in utero. We tried to keep it chill!” 🎧🤰
• “And listen, you’ll thank us eventually… like when you need a blood donor and it’s your brother stepping up. Family perks, baby.” 🩸👊

Parents firing back like pros. The courtroom of life just got spicy. 🌶️⚖️

My Case in Closing (With Maximum Bitterness) 🥲⚖️

Real talk: I actually hope Raphael Samuel’s wild lawsuit someday goes from joke to for real courtroom drama. Because honestly, the comedic payoff alone would pay back a thousand sleepless nights, a million awkward therapy sessions, and the emotional debt of every family Zoom call that went sideways.

Until then, I’m personally keeping up my tradition of sending virtual legal threats to my parents every time a humiliating childhood photo pops up on Facebook. No statute of limitations on embarrassment, folks. 👀⚖️

If you didn’t ask to be born, at least you can ask for a payout. Or, at minimum, a lifetime supply of apology texts from your parents. 🙏😂🎁

Want to bask in more bitter, brutally honest rants about life’s absurdities?
Follow me on Twitter 🐦✨ @Allen_Fried
and don’t forget to check out the rest of my nonsense at Friedreads.com 🔥📚

Writing this was way too much fun. Thanks for letting me vent—and laugh—at the chaos of family, identity, and just existing. Here’s to suing the universe one day.