Imagine the legendary Galileo Galilei, the father of modern astronomy, inexplicably running a Facebook group dedicated to the Flat Earth movement.

What If Galileo Hosted a Flat Earth Facebook Group? 🪐📱🤣

I. How Did We Get Here? A Cosmic Glitch in the Matrix 🤦‍♂️🌍⚡

Picture this: Galileo Galilei—the man who stared down the Vatican for saying "hey, maybe Earth moves around the Sun"—wakes from 400 years of cosmic beauty sleep to find himself admin of "Flat Earth Forever." 🛌➡️📱

His first post, typed with trembling, ink-stained fingers: “Good morning, fellow surface dwellers! ☀️ Today’s topic: gravity—an elaborate scheme or just celestial peer pressure?”

The tone is set: half Renaissance genius, half unhinged Facebook mom who thinks the moon is a government projector. 🌙📽️

II. Group Rules from the Galactic Madman 👋📜🚀

Galileo’s Pinned Post (3.7M reactions, 42K confused faces):

RULES OF FLATNESS:

• Memes mandatory—at least three per post. No exceptions. 🐸📸
• No bullying… except Copernicus supporters. They had it coming. 🤓⚔️
• Mention "orbit"? Immediate seven-day mute. 🚫🛰️
• Question the moderators? Believe it or not, also mute. 🚫🤐

Daily Poll: Is Earth…

• A) Flat 🥞
• B) A giant pizza missing one slice 🍕
• C) Just tired of your nonsense and needs a nap? 😴

The comments section immediately devolves into "D) All of the above" and "My ex's personality." 💀

III. Mods Gone Medieval: When Legends Crash the Party 🔨🛡️🏰

Sir Isaac Newton crashes the group, fresh apple in hand. 🍎

Newton: "Friends, I've done the math. This 'gravity' situation is quite real—" Galileo: BANNED. 🚫 "Gravity doesn't exist here, Newton. Try ballistics. Or a better wig." 💇‍♂️

Leonardo da Vinci drops detailed sketches of spherical planetary models. 🎨🌍

Galileo: "Obvious photoshop from the future! The lighting is all wrong! FAKE NEWS!" 🚨🖼️

Albert Einstein timidly posts E=mc².

Galileo: "Cute equation. Does it explain why my group members think Australia is a hologram?" 🇦🇺👻

IV. Memes and Meltdowns: Telescope Selfies and Tantrums 🎨🔭🤳

Galileo, in a moment of desperation, uploads telescope selfies with celestial bodies clearly visible. 📸✨

The replies are artistic violence:

• "Fake news! Too fish-eyed!" 🐟👁️
• "Are your EYEBALLS round too, Gali? Suspicious." 👀🌀
• "Dude, no filter? The moon looks crusty." 🌙🦠

Thread Highlights Include:

• "Clouds? Government spyware. Wake up, sheeple!" ☁️🐑
• "Shoutout to the Vatican control room for today's beautiful cloud art!" ⛪🎨
• "If the Earth is round, why are pizzas flat? CHECKMATE, GLOBEHEADS." 🍕♟️

V. Flat-Splain Fridays: The Intellectual Abyss 🤓🕳️

Wild theories flood in every Friday like clockwork:

• "Mount Everest is just an optical illusion created by Big Altitude." 🏔️👁️
• "The moon? It's just a giant lamp. Turn it off, my melatonin is confused." 🌙💡
• "If Earth was round, why are books flat? #MindBlown #LibraryConspiracy" 📚💥

Galileo, losing his last marble, responds:

“My patience is now officially flatter than your theories. And I've seen some VERY flat theories.” 📏😤

VI. The Deep State of Geometry: Pythagoras Weeps 👀🧠📐

Ptolemy drops in defending geocentrism, gets instantly ratio'd by meme sticker zombies. 🧟‍♂️🤖

The group mantra becomes: "NASA = Not A Spherical Agreement!" 🚀❌

Most shared video: "Water's always flat, just like my ex's emotional range." 💧😐

A user named "GlobeSkeptic47" posts:

"If Earth is spinning, why isn't my coffee swirling? Explain that, 'scientists.'" ☕🌀 Galileo: "Because you stir it, Brenda. YOU STIR IT." 🥄😫

VII. Messenger Madness: DMs from the Edge 📩🗺️

Galileo's daily DMs become a sacred text of modern absurdity:

• "Can you send proof Earth is less flat than my bank account?" 💸📉
• "Tips for surviving the edge? Photos, pls. Do they have WiFi there?" 📶🌅
• "If I sail to the edge, will I fall off or just enter the Backrooms?" ⛵🚪

Galileo's only reply to all:

“I have telescope pictures that could change humanity. Instead, I have 47 DMs about ice walls. I've won, but at what cost?” 🔭💔

VIII. Eclipse Livestream Spectacle: Prime-Time Delusion 📺🌕🎪

Galileo hosts "Nightlight But Make It Science"—a lunar eclipse livestream. The comments are pure poetry:

• "Moon shy, or just camera shy?" 🌙📷
• "Earth's just closing the lid for the night." 🛌🌎
• "Is the sun just a super aggressive bulb that won't let us sleep?" ☀️💡
• "That's no moon... wait, yes it is. But it's HOLLOW." 🕳️

Galileo, trying to explain orbital mechanics, gives up and starts playing "The Circle of Life" on a lute. 🎵🦁

IX. Banhammer Battles: Purge of the Round-Heads 🚫🔨⚔️

The Great Purge begins. Galileo bans anyone mentioning:

• "Australia being upside-down" 🇦🇺⬇️
• "Satellite imagery" 🛰️
• "Basic geometry" 📐
• "The concept of 'depth'" 🕳️

His followers revolt:

"Stop erasing our reality!" 🗣️ Galileo: "Your 'reality' is what's keeping me up at night. And I invented night watching!" 🌌😭

X. The Final Post: Galileo's Cosmic Breakdown 🔮😩🌌

The legendary final post that breaks the internet:

“Is Earth’s curvature just a conspiracy to sell more globes? 🗺️ I stood at what they call 'the edge' today. All I saw was MORE flat. Infinite flatness. 📏 I came, I saw, I got ratio'd by my own group. The telescope was the easy part. The comments section is what truly breaks a man. 🔭💔 Goodnight, flat fam. The stars are pretty though, ngl. ✨”

He then changes the group name to "Maybe the Real Flat Earth Was the Friends We Made Along the Way." 🤝🌍

Bonus: The Classic Comment Section 💬🏆

• "What's your star sign, Gali?" "Copernicus rising, bitterness ascending, with a Venus in 'why did I invent the telescope.'" ♏🚀

• "If gravity exists, why do cats always land on their feet?" "Ask Schrödinger, I'm done. Also, the cat is both flat and round until observed." 🐱📦

• "Earth is a mood, not a shape." "Relatable. It's giving 'exhausted pancake.' Good night, flat fam." 🥞😴

GALILEO'S FINAL VERDICT: "I never imagined the telescope would be the most controversial thing in my Facebook group. Welcome to Flat Earth Forever: where science dies laughing and memes reign supreme."

🔭❤️‍🔥😂

Enjoyed this descent into beautiful madness? 🎭 Follow the chaos on Twitter 🐦✨ @Allen_Fried Dive deeper into the absurd at FriedReads.com 🏊‍♂️📚

This is for everyone who's ever argued with a wall—only to realize the wall might be flatter than you thought. 🧱🤔