A deranged, side-splitting manifesto demanding that all journalism be parody, because facts are hazardous and reality is best left to comedians. Spoiler: The Onion was a prophecy, not a punchline.

Let’s Make All News Satire—Truth Is Too Dangerous

Why The Onion Should Replace The New York Times (and CNN Should Hire More Clowns)

Trigger Warning: This article contains hyperbole, absurdity, and zero allegiance to reality. If you still trust the news, please close this tab and go touch some grass. 📰🤡

I. Introduction: The Age of Parody Is Now

Let’s face it: truth is a biohazard. Facts are more dangerous than a wet market in 2020. In a world where every headline is a Rorschach test for your political trauma, why not just make it all a joke? If reality is stranger than fiction, let’s just make fiction the reality. Satire is safer, funnier, and—let’s be honest—no one’s reading for the facts anyway.

"If the truth will set you free, why is everyone so desperate to stay locked up in their filter bubbles?" 🔒😂

II. The Case for Satirical News (Because Reality Is Cancelled)

A. Facts Are Offensive

• Problem: Every time a journalist reports a fact, someone’s feelings get hurt.
• Solution: Satire offends everyone equally.
• Example: “Biden Declares War on Canada After Maple Syrup Tariffs.” No one’s safe, and that’s the point.

"In a world where facts are microaggressions, punchlines are the only safe space." 🥊

B. Truth Is a Liability

• Old News: “Scientists Warn of Rising Sea Levels.”
• Satirical Upgrade: “Florida to Become America’s Largest Water Park by 2030.”
• Result: Less panic, more pool noodles.

C. Satire Is More Trustworthy Than CNN

• Study: 72% of Americans trust The Onion more than Fox News and MSNBC combined.
• Reason: At least The Onion admits it’s lying.

III. The Satirical Newsroom: A Vision for the Future

A. Editorial Meetings with Whoopee Cushions

• Agenda:

  • “Which world leader gets a pie in the face this week?”
  • “Is it too soon to joke about the next recession?”
  • “Can we get a Pulitzer for a fart joke?”

• Dress Code: Clown shoes and tinfoil hats.

B. Breaking News, Broken On Purpose

• Sample Headlines:
  • “Congress Accidentally Passes Law That Benefits Poor People; Panic Ensues”
  • “Elon Musk Buys the Moon, Declares It a Tax Haven”
  • “AI Predicts Humanity’s Extinction, Sells NFT of the Event”

"If every news cycle is a circus, at least let the clowns run the tent." 🎪

IV. The Benefits of Mandatory Satire

A. Universal Media Literacy

• No more fact-checking: If you believe a satirical headline, that’s on you.
• Satire sharpens critical thinking—if you can’t spot the joke, you’re the punchline.

B. Political Unity Through Shared Ridicule

• Left, right, center: everyone gets roasted.
• Congress might actually get something done if they’re competing for “Joke of the Week.”

C. Safer for Your Mental Health

• No more doomscrolling—just gigglescroll.
• Anxiety replaced by existential laughter.

V. The Satirical News Consumer: A Survival Guide

1. Always Assume It’s a Joke:
   If you’re outraged, reread it. If you’re still outraged, it’s probably about you.

2. Comment Sections Are Now Open Mic Nights:
   Best punchline wins. Losers get banned for sincerity.

3. Fact-Checking Is a Hate Crime:
   If you cite a source, you’re doxxed by the irony police.

4. Breaking News Alerts Are Just Prank Calls:
   “Aliens Invade Congress, Demand Better Wi-Fi.”
   “Stocks Surge After Wall Street Replaced by Hamsters.”

VI. The Real Danger: Accidentally Telling the Truth

• Warning: Sometimes, satire hits too close to home.
• Example: “Billionaires Plan to Colonize Mars, Leave Earth to Rot.”
  Oops, that’s actually happening.

"Satire used to exaggerate reality. Now it just describes it." 🪞

VII. Conclusion: Welcome to the Post-Truth Playground

Final Truth Bomb: 💣
“If you can’t handle the truth, you don’t deserve the joke.”

Subtext: In a world where facts are weaponized, maybe laughter is the last honest act. Or maybe we’re all just clowns, juggling our anxieties for an audience of bots.

Call to Action:
Cancel your news app. Subscribe to a satire feed. And remember: if you want the truth, you’re in the wrong timeline.

Post-Script 📜🤡

“Jokes and trolling aside, if you took the time to read this, thank you ^-^”

Follow Me on Twitter 🐦✨ @Allen_Fried for more spicy takes on why reality is overrated!