A wild, satirical exposé exploring a near-future where America’s highest court ditches public funding and pays for its robes with viral content, crowd-funded verdicts, and paywalled precedent

Supreme Court OnlyFans: Funding Legal Decisions One Subscriber at a Time �⚖️💸

Because why settle for “public interest” when you could have “monthly interest payments”?

I. There’s No Budget for Justice—But There’s Always an Audience 🎭🍿

The year is 2025, and the national budget’s been cut harder than a failed TikTok recruit. First they came for the weather forecasters ☔, then the teacher grants 📚✂️, now the Supreme Court is looking at bake sales 🧁 just to afford a fresh gavel. The executive branch is hung up in yet another $2 billion “Federal Spending Fight” 🥊💵 and legalese is trending lower than Dogecoin 🐕📉.

So what’s a beleaguered judiciary to do? Enter: Supreme Court OnlyFans—the greatest innovation in funding justice since Citizens United (RIP democracy, we hardly knew ye).

• Forget taxes 🚫🧾: Just subscribe! “No taxation without titillation!”
• Want access to the newest hotly-divided decision? 🔥 That’ll be $9.99/month (69% discount for law students—nice).
• Live dissents? 💢 Pay for the premium stream—Justice Alito’s rants now come with reaction emojis (🔥🐍💩).

Justice for All? No. Justice for Paid Subscribers. “Objection! Sustained… unless you tip.”

II. Monetizing Precedent: The New American Hustle 🤑⚖️

No more waiting for C-SPAN to cut a highlight reel. Today, arguments over landmark cases are packaged with slow panning cams 🎥, sepia filters 🌅, and thirst-trap sidebars featuring “RBG Classic Moments” (RIP queen 👑) and “Clarence Thomas’ Zinger of the Week” (spoiler: it’s just silence).

Want to unlock that juicy footnote in Dobbs v. Jackson? That’s extra—unless you refer a friend! 🤝

Rulings now come with:

• Paywalled summary videos 🎬 for casual court-watchers (“TL;DR: You lose, but here’s a sad trombone sound effect”)
• Interactive Q&A ❓ “Ask a Justice” (No guarantees you’ll get anything but platitudes or shade ☂️)
• Digital collectibles 🖼️: Take home your favorite dissent as an NFT—minted for the blockchain, sealed for all eternity (or until the next crypto crash).

Objection, Your Honor? Overruled, unless you’re a top-tier donor (“For $100K, we’ll let you bang the gavel ONCE”).

III. Top Content: Who Gets the Gavel? 🎭⚖️

Turn the boring old process of judicial review into live bracket voting! 🗳️🔥

• Gorsuch’s Greatest Beard Moments! 🧔 (“Is it a facial hair or a constitutional argument? You decide!”)
• Ketanji on “Hot Topics”: Con Law or Con Carnage? 🔥⚔️ (“Spoiler: It’s both”)
• Pay-per-view oral arguments 💬💰 (Especially hot during election season—now with betting odds!)

The people demanded transparency. Now, finally, you can subscribe to a “NSFW justice” tier for unfiltered bench banter and behind-the-scenes robe drama (“Did Sotomayor just side-eye Kavanaugh? SUBSCRIBE TO FIND OUT”).

Spoiler: Half the users are just here for Barrett’s home-decor tips. 🏡✨ (“How to style your dissent like a Pinterest mom”)

IV. Crowdfunding Your Lawsuit (and Voting on the Outcome) 📢💸

In 2025, getting to the Supreme Court isn’t about “standing” or “merit”—it’s about hitting your GoFundMe goal:

• South Carolina’s Medicaid case? Unlocked by hitting the $50M patron milestone 🎯 (“We could save lives… or y’all could keep being cheap”)
• Trans rights case? Special unlocked dissents drop at 100,000 retweets 🔄 (“1 RT = 1 prayer (but also $1)”)
• Foreign aid litigation? $2 billion payout only if the PayPal pool clears by Friday at midnight ⏳ (“Tick tock, humanity!”)

Federal appeals have never looked so much like a Twitch streamer shouting “one more sub and I’ll change my vote!” 🎮⚖️

V. The Algorithm Decides: Trending Verdicts Only 📈⚖️

Why deliberate in secret chambers when you can simply look at what’s trending?

Fresh precedents now depend on the FYP (“For You Precedent”):

• If it doesn’t trend, it doesn’t happen. (“Sorry, minority rights, you’re shadowbanned”)
• If it goes viral, it gets fast-tracked to en banc review and a duet by John Roberts 🎤 (“Stare decisis remix ft. DJ Thomas”)

Justice used to be blind; now it just checks engagement stats 👁️📊 (“Roe v. Wade had weak numbers, so we pivoted”)

VI. Justice, In the Age of Parasocial Lawyering 💌⚖️

The court claims it’s “bringing the Constitution to the people.” In reality, it’s one step away from influencer boxing 🥊. Subscribers get:

• Personalized verdict alerts 📲 (“We denied certiorari just for you, Tiffany! 💖”)
• Voting stickers for top dissenters 🗳️ (“I ❤️ Sotomayor’s sass”)
• Shoutouts from their favorite justices 🎤 (“I see you in the chat, @Hot_for_Harvard! Wink”)

Merit? Process? That’s for plebs. The real winners are the superfans who can DM Brett Kavanaugh for a reaction video on the next drinking-age ruling 🍻 (“Beer pong precedent incoming!”)

VII. Isn’t This Just Transparent Democracy? 🏛️🔍

Critics complain, but isn’t this what the public wanted? They called for Open Justice. They asked for courts in the spotlight. They demanded “relatable” leaders in robes. If the law is now a popularity contest, at least we all get to play.

The true measure of a functioning democracy isn’t an independent judiciary—it’s trending on the homepage, every Friday at 7PM EST, sponsored by Squarespace and Monster Energy 🏆 (“This dissent brought to you by RAID SHADOW LEGENDS”)

So empty your wallet, smash subscribe, and tune in for next week’s “Split Decision: Losers Dye Their Robes!” 🎨⚖️

VIII. Justice for the Highest (Bidder) 💰⚖️

No more dark money influencing law through shadowy channels—now it’s all out in the open, streaming in glorious 4K 📺. In the end, perhaps it’s better to see how the sausage is made… as long as you’re happy to pay for the chef’s Patreon 🥓.

Follow Me on Twitter @Allen_Fried for more hot takes on the legal-industrial content complex and behind-the-scenes bench memes!

“Stare decisis? More like stare at my OnlyFans.” 😘