International policy, but now with sponsored lip kits, viral Drama, and resolutions decided by Instagram poll. Welcome to a world where world peace has a glam squad, sanctions get filtered, and global warming finally gets its own reality show.

What If The Kardashians Ran The United Nations? 💄🌍📸

“World peace, but make it fashion. History will never be the same, and neither will your selfie stick."

I. General Assembly, But With Glam ✨💃

Kim K arrives at the UN headquarters not in a motorcade, but in a #sponsored mobile glam bus. 🚌💅 She surveys the General Assembly through Balenciaga sunglasses, declaring the entire chamber "needed a glow-up, stat." The iconic green marble is now "avocado toast chic." 🥑✨

Security guards don't check for weapons, they check for ring lights and good angles. The family's lighting crew gets full diplomatic immunity to ensure "neutral tones, obviously, we're not animals." 💡😒

VIP seating now requires:

• At least one international magazine cover 📰
• A verified TikTok with 10M+ followers 🤳
• Proof you've never worn beige on camera 🚫🥮

“Sanctions are so last season. This year, we're embargoing bad vibes, OOTD failures, and anyone still using plastic straws.” 🥤❌

II. Security Council Gets A Full Filter 🖼️🔐

Every UN resolution is now decided by Instagram polls. "Should we intervene in the humanitarian crisis?" "🔥 or 🗑️?" Glitter stickers and hot takes from Khloé plaster every draft treaty.

“If it can't break ten million likes by 3 PM EST, sorry babe, it's an abstention. The algorithm has spoken.” 👍➡️❌

Actual International Drama Unfolds:

• France blocks Russia for "copying my aesthetic."
• Russia blue-ticks Germany in the group chat. 💬📵
• The UK threatens to unfollow everyone unless they accept its collab request. 🇬🇧🤝❓

The "P5" no longer means Permanent Five—it means "Perfect 5" filter preset, now available for purchase in the UN app. 📱🎨

III. Solving World Crises, One Sponsored Post At A Time 📦💸

Kim launches "Peace by KKW" makeup palettes—"Because nothing says 'ceasefire' like the perfect smoky eye." 👁️✌️ Proceeds: 10% to charity, 90% to the next yacht's interior designer. ⛵🛋️

The Middle East crisis gets resolved through a celebrity olive oil brand deal—"cold pressed, locally-sourced ceasefire." 🫒✍️

World hunger? Addressed with a limited-run Keto cookbook available at the merch boutique. Because when people are starving, what they really need is fewer carbs. 🍞❌

“Famine relief is so much more engaging when it comes with a 30% off promo code.” #Ad #ThisIsHelpful

IV. Diplomacy, Reality TV Style 🎥🤫

International negotiations are streamed live on "Keeping Up With The Negotiations"—with more dramatic music than the actual dialogue. 🎻😱 Each week, one country gets voted out of the Security Council for "not bringing the right energy."

When Iran and France get into a screaming match, Kris Jenner swoops in waving a TMZ exclusive and whispering, "You're not making any money fighting, babies. Let's monetize this tension." 💼💵

On official minutes, vetoes are replaced by subtweets and heavily filtered reaction shots. The official record now reads: "Russia expressed concerns via a series of cryptic Instagram Stories." 📖➡️📱

V. Conflicts Settled By Sponsored Retreats and Crying Confessionals 🏖️😭

Russia and Ukraine hash things out at a villa therapy retreat in the Bahamas, televised for E! Progress is measured by tears per camera angle and sponsorship integration quality.

“Kim can't find Syria on a map, but she can curate a viral hashtag campaign by sunrise. #CeasefireAndContour” 🌅💄

Diplomats are now required to post "day in my life" TikTok recaps for global transparency. Every peace deal is delivered with sponsored skincare partnerships and at least one tearful apology reel that breaks the internet.

VI. Agenda Setting: Global Lip Plumper Summit 👄🏔️

The main annual UN event is now the "Lip Filler For All" summit, hosted by Kylie Jenner. World leaders present their cases via step-by-step contour tutorials.

The only true G7 left is the "Glam Seven"—a collab of top-world influencers, live-streamed straight from Geneva. The theme this year: "Nuclear Non-Proliferation, But Sexy." ☢️➡️💋

Resolutions must be delivered as IG captions, with a strict character limit and at least three relevant hashtags. #Diplomacy #PeacePlease #Ad

VII. Cultural Appropriation (of Whole Countries) 🗺️👗

The yearly "Who Wore My Heritage Best?" gala becomes the most anticipated event. The winner gets to rename their capital city "Kardash" for one fiscal year.

The Geneva Convention is now the Geneva Capsule Collection—drop date TBD, sign up for notifications. International law is printed on limited-edition hoodies. 👕⚖️

“International cuisine is rebranded as 'fusion influencer food'—proof that if every culture is a business opportunity, no one has a birthright, just brand rights.” 🌮➡️📈

VIII. Disaster Relief Means Merch Drops 🌪️👕

When disaster strikes, expect a limited-edition Kardashian "Relief Hoodie"—proceeds split between actual relief efforts and Kylie's new moisturizer line. 💦💰

All major hurricanes now have branded hashtags and live weather recaps on Instagram Stories with perfectly curated storm footage. ⛈️📸

After every summit, diplomats receive swag bags containing:

• Hand sanitizer 🧴
• Ring lights 💡
• A coupon for one free public statement and micro-influencer PR cleanse 🗣️✨

IX. The Most Watched United Nations Session Ever 📺🌐

The world tunes in at 9 PM EST for the first-ever live negotiation cliffhanger: North Korea and Canada unfollow each other in real time, and Kim teases "a secret neutral zone collab with Switzerland."

War and peace become binge content. The season finale ends with Kim looking directly into the camera: "The fate of global stability will be revealed... after these messages from our sponsor." 🎬➡️📢

Peacekeeping missions are now measured by engagement rates rather than success rates. The only extraction that matters is data extraction. 📊➡️💾

World Leader Scorecard (Kardashian Edition) 📊👑

Snappy Takeaways for the Modern Diplomat 💡💬

“Article 5: No war crimes—unless it ruins the season finale arc.” 📜🎬

“UN Peacekeepers are now managed by Kris Jenner's social media interns. Their only weapon? The block button.” ☮️➡️📱

“The only real veto power? Blocking on socials. Everything else is just performance art.” ❌👁️

“New UN motto: Like, Comment, Subscribe—For a Better World. Monetization optional but strongly encouraged.” 🤳🌍

💋 GLOBAL RESOLUTION METER 💋
PEACE██████████▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓DRAMA▒▒
Status: Heavily Filtered 📸✨

Want more international drama and reality-show statecraft? 🍿🌍 <br> Follow the chaos on Twitter 🐦✨ @Allen_Fried <br> Subscribe for daily diplomatic tea at FriedReads.com ☕📚

This is for anyone who's ever looked at a world map and thought,<br> "This could use better branding." 🗺️💅